Mayhem!
by LiaraRaziela
Summary: Updated. Chapter 4 up! Christmas treat to everyone as LOK cast tries to go even more insane than you could ever have imagined! R
1. Mayhem in first encounter

Disclaimer: I don't own legacy of Kain at all Crystal dynamics does  
WARNING: Contains mild language!  
Me (cursedly): Luck little bs! Always owns the best!  
Raziel (walks in out of his make-up room): What am I supposed to do?  
Me (rolling eyes to heaven): Put up with dumbness and my comedy script, what else?  
Umah(out of nowhere): Awh ya shouldn't be so hard on em  
Me (confused): Hey ! Aren't ya supposed to be workin with the–wait- (looks around) – where the hell is Raz?  
Umah: Um…he ran out with the others the moment you mentioned _comedy  
_Me: Why those mother hellin son of a b#$, good for nothing freaking bull f$#!  
TWEET TWEET TWEET – gone out of control – MEDICAL EMERGENCY!

**Part1**

Everyone; Raziel and his five newly evolved brothers Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab, Turel and Dumah, Kain, Aeriel, Janos, Vorador, Mortanius, Nurpraptor, Umah and Seer witch were all in the hall sitting in a circle at Vorador's mansion. They were talking about their current life and their past life. Everyone got a chance to tell a story, when they'd finish they would say the word _fini_ to indicate finished. The most boring story was of Vorador, who of course sang a very annoying song in the end which was;

_Juliey… Juliey… Juliey…where are you now… have you forgotten m------------e!_

Everyone was covering their ears and looked pretty much tortured. Raziel was feeling dizzy and weak afraid of drifting into the spectral realm.

Raziel (in tortured voice): _Someone_ please shut his big-loud-mouth! He's really driving me insane! I will drift to the spectral realm if he doesn't stops doing that!

Kain (irritated): I would if I could!

Umah (bugged): He's the worst singing vampire I've ever met!

Seer(fired): For goodness sake shut up you tone-deaf-moron!

Raziel (really tortured now): Aaah! Aah!

Dumah: Shut up pompous-wind-bag!

Rahab (crying): Aah! I need water! Water! Water!

Kain (angry): Shut up you babyish-morons! Vorador stop singing or I'll cut your frigid neck you toneless freak!

Vorador stops he sighs very sadly and sits back down between Janos and Mortanius.

Vorador (sadly): No one likes me

Umah: We all do. Kain loves ya, don'tchya Kain?

Kain (deniably): NO I DON'T!

Raziel (bored): can we just a play another game? This is boring

Dumah (sarcastically looking at Turel): Hey, Tur, What would you prefer bro?

Turel: Stop calling me that!

Zephon (bored as well): I am really sleepy, I wanna go home

Melchiah (yawning tiredly): I do as well

Turel: So do I

Dumah: So do I

Rahab: Same here

Janos (brightly): We can go to the library and study _'100 ways to become a metrosexual' _

Vorador: Perhaps not! We all know you're gay!

Raziel: I think Rahab, might be interested in playing in the pool, don't you think Vorador?

Vorador (confused): What? What pool?

Raziel: You know, the pool, outside in the back garden I think, where a big water pool which can also be used as a portal

Everyone looks blankly at Raziel confused very much. But then something else confuses them when suddenly, the door bell rings.

Vorador (smiling at everyone): Excuse-me

Rahab, Turel, Dumah, Zephon and Melchiah all together: Sheesh!

Raziel (sighing uncomfortably): Hope it won't be another one of those intruders

Kain (looking blankly at him): What intruders?

Raziel: ya know, the gay typa Sarafan vampire-hunters who're absolutely homophobic

Umah (thoughtfully): Hhhmmm… I always wanted to be one of them when I was a child

Seer: But your ambitions, had changed, not to forget about being homophobic

Aeriel: Really?

Umah: Yeah, since I am a vampire but not that I wanna be a homophobic, morons!

Kain: Since when did you want to be homophobic, Umah?

Mortanius: Cause it's her will – and anyway I hate being the guardian of death

Turel: Why grandpa?

Mortanius (becoming angry): I AM NOT YOUR GRANDPA YOU-

Nurpraptor (with soft voice): How not?

Mortanius (looking at Nurpraptor): How not what!

Nurpraptor: not their Grandpa? Kain is your son, right?

Mortanius: Wrong! I gave him a new life as a vampire

Zephon: That is called RESURRECTION

Melchiah: Not it isn't you amateurish freak!

Rahab: then what is it?

Turel: Resurrection is different than what Mortanius is telling us

Dumah (sarcastically): Right, like I'd believe that

Everyone was bored. Aeriel exhaustedly sits down beside Nurpraptor seemingly to be sleepy. Raziel, in deep sleep, falls on Umah's shoulder who let who shakes violently and then pushed him away from her.

Raziel (wakes up confused): huh?

Umah: I think you need sleep dear, go to the spectral realm-

Raziel (aware of this): Not in hell Umah!

Umah: Why?

Raziel: I hate that big perverted squid-looking octopus!

Elder God: I HEARD THAT!

Raziel: Oh great! Now I am being patronized! Just great!

After a minute there were screams. Vorador came back in the hall screaming terrifyingly.

Vorador (screaming terribly): Run for your pitiful lives!

Kain (raising an eyebrow): what's wrong?

Vorador (scared to death): The curse of the black-muppety-clowns has been upon us!

Everyone stares confusedly at him. As if they didn't hear what he said exactly.

All but Vorador: _What?_

After a while they understood what Vorador meant when suddenly two young girls called Lilly and Kylie wearing cute clothes dashed in. Screaming, cheering, laughing and creating a total havoc in the mansion. Everyone, except the ladies was being chased by the girls. Realizing of this chase all three ladies departed through the front door which, they left locked in the way out. Lilly was chasing Raziel and his brethren in the back garden where the big pool was, all doors had been locked and there was no way out. Rahab jumped in to the pool like a fish and was tortured by Lilly.

Lilly (cheerfully riding on him): Oooh! My fav! Fishy-horsie! Weeee!

Rahab: Save me! Save me!

While this happened, Raziel and the other four where standing in the balcony above watchin this. When Lilly noticed them, she released Rahab and then ran after the other four.

Rahab (choking there in the pool, outraged): Wait till I get my hands on you---you scumbags!

Raziel: I want to shift to the spectral realm! Oh please!

Elder god: I won't let you, because you called me a _squid-looking octopus!_

Lilly (jumping onto Zephon): Oooh! Spidy-horsie!

Zephon (almost terrified): Aah! Get her off! Get her off ya lazy assholes!

Dumah: Save ya'self sucker!

Turel: Raziel do sumething!

Raziel: Don't ask me, do it yaself sicko!

Melchiah: I knew this day was going to be really bad for my health, I should have stayed in the old homes

Turel (not so supportably): Well ya shuld'v

Raziel: I wanna drift into the spectral realm! Please! Aah! This is madness!

Melchiah: You numskull! You can shift into the spectral realm whenever you want ya sexless freak!

Raziel (scratching his head): Hhhmmm… you're right, I'll do it!

Realizing what Melchiah had meant, Raziel quickly shifts to the spectral realm. Meanwhile, back at the hall, where all doors were locked, Kylie was chasing the others around. Kain was trying to strike her down with his wraith blade, but then he realized.

Kain: Oh no! My wraith blade! I left it at home! Holy s!

Kylie (running up towards him): give me a hug! Will ya!

Vorador (in terror): Janos do something! Quickly fly us out of that window!

Janos (confused): Fly? Ah don't get ya pal aul buddy? _Fly_?

Nurpraptor (also in terror): Yes you freak! Fly! You've got wings dumbass!

Janos: I _use_ to, but the thing is that, my wings are missing!

Nurpraptor and Vorador (in utter disbelief): _What! Janos!_

Kain: do sumethin ya lazy dimwits don'tchya stand there do sumthin!

Vorador (alarmed now): Hey! Where is Mortanius?

Janos: I don't know

Nurpraptor (alarmed of the gazes): Don't look at me, I haven't seen em!

Then, they heard his scream. Mortanius's voice. They finally understood where he was.

Janos: I think he is in the back garden with the others

Nurpraptor: We need to find em, only he can give deaths to these chaotic menaces!

Mortanius (finally appearing from his hide out): Yeah right, as if _I am GOD_!

Janos (in utter disbelief): Mortanius ya skele-freak!

Kylie changes her mind and jumps on these four chatter boxes. While Kain tries with all his might trying to hit the projectiles with his claws in the room to escape. But no use.

Kylie: Ooh! Skele-looking man! Ooh!

Mortanius (offended): SHUT UP! I AM NOT A SKELE LOOKING-

Janos(unaware of the madness):Say Morti, you have sexy bare ribs may I remind you

Mortanius (almost angry): DON'T CALL ME MORTI AGAIN YOU-

Vorador: shut up! We must think of a way to get out you idiets!

Everyone had problems. Kylie was in the hall chasing Janos, Mortanius, Vorador, Nurpraptor and Lilly in the back garden chasing Raziel's brothers. It was like hours before everyone grew tired of it. Lilly and Kylie brought everyone back in the hall. Raziel, who was away for a very long time materialized near one of the pillars in the hall and was confronted by Lilly and Kylie who had stopped chasing everybody.

Raziel (with horror): AAAH! My _god_ you should've warned me about this!

Elder god: Perhaps not at all, my beloved angel!

Raziel (disgusted): Oh shut it already ya gay geek!

Kain (exhaustedly tired): What do you want!

Lilly and Kylie both exchanged glances and then nodded at each other with a wide smile.

Lilly: We just came here to get Easter eggs for our Easter!

Raziel and Kain both looked confusedly at each other then back at them while the others sat in a corner fallen asleep.

Raziel (hands on hips and eyes narrowed): It's not even Easter yet

Kain (questioningly): isn't it?

Raziel: Yes, I have checked my calendar before I left my hou-

Melchiah (becoming alarmed): Hey! You don't have a house ya Bogus freak!

Rahab (exhaustedly still awake): Water! Water! Water!

Turel (sleepily): I want my mommy

Raziel (looking at Kain): Kain,

Kain: yes

Raziel: Did we ever have a mother?

Kain: No!

Lilly (nagging): What about our Easter eggs?

Kylie: yeah!

Raziel and Kain both: We told you, Easter hasn't come yet!

Lilly and Kylie both started to cry like Sissies! Vorador, who had woken up after a while, looked up at Kain and Raziel.

Vorador (tired): What do they want?

Raziel: Easter eggs

Vorador: what?

Kain(clutching his claws on his forehead in smack): BLOODY EASTER EGGS!

Vorador: I'll get them

Vorador got two bags full of easter eggs. He handed it to Kylie and Lilly who were standing there in front of Kain and Raziel for a long while.

Kylie and Lilly: Thank you

Raziel: By the way, you didn't have to be so chao-

Lilly (sadly): We just wanted to have fun

Kain (muttering under his breathes): Children!

Kylie: We'll be going now

Lilly: Bye, see you tomorrow

Raziel (with again horror): No! Not again!

Kain: Raziel, now listen, they won't

Raziel (unsure): They won't?

Kain: Yes, the won't, because none will ever be coming here in this stupid mansion of Vorador's again

Vorador (fully awake, looked offended): Yeah, why don't you? Criticize the poor man!

After all this had happened everyone returned home with big headaches. Raziel was walking down the streets with Kain looking quite fed up.

Kain: What's wrong Raziel?

Raziel: Nah, I don't like Easter

Kain: Why?

Raziel: Because its stupid, I remember, last Easter that Squid-looking octopus-

Elder God: I HEARD THAT!

Kain: And…?

Raziel: it just bloody grounded me

Kain: You have a free will Raziel what of that?

Raziel: You wouldn't understand ok? You're just one of those senselessly emotionless idiots

Kain (outraged): What!

Raziel: You heard me

Kain (angrily): Talking with you sometimes is senseless!

Raziel (mockingly): Beat me!

Kain (impatiently): That's it!

And that is how our two heroes, Raziel and Kain get into a fight. Without, having to get their blades; which they kept aside. During the fight they were calling each other rude names but different ones. These were the ones:

Kain: TAKE THAT! You Jawless freak!

Raziel: Why you! Take that! You skunk!

Kain: Why you! TAKE THAT! Black eyed-doughnut!

Then for a minute they paused when all of a sudden they noticed the young girls. Absolutely right! It was Lilly and Kylie standing there smiling at them. Of course, that these two annoying girls, again, chased these two. Raziel quickly shifted into the spectral realm. He found himself in the spectral realm alone and safe from the annoying girls.

Raziel: Pewwws! That was close!

Elder god ( again mockingly): Oh no it wasn't

Raziel: What?

He was confused of what he had heard from the Elder God. Then a female voice ran past his ears.

Unknown voice: Hello!

Raziel (angry): WHO IS IT NOW-

As soon as Raziel turned back he was surprised to see Lilly stand there behind him and smiling at him very widely.

Raziel (with horror): Oh no! Shift me back to the Material realm

Elder god: Oh no Raziel, THIS TIME you won't be able to do it without my order

Raziel (rude): I'll deal with you--- you good for nothing Squiggly-octopus!

Then he was chased in the spectral realm by Lilly. And Kain, he shifted himself into the demon realm, where similarly the same thing happened. Even in the demon realm he was chased by Kylie.

Back at the Mansion of Voradors.

Vorador: Today was the worst of all

Janos (jokingly): Of course, it was

Vorador: What about your wings? What are you gonna do about them?

Janos (makes a straight face): I don't like to discuss such issue with you

Vorador: Why not?

Janos: Because it is senseless

Vorador: How come?

Janos: Now don't you start with me you!

-----------------------------------

Me (hopefully): Hope ya enjoyed it – got more for next time  
Raziel (taps on my shoulder): Eh…Ms Authoress?  
Me (confused): yes?  
Raziel (agonized): Why me? Why must you torture me with insanity?  
Me (smacking my own forehead): Oh god, - GUYS! There'll be more! CYA then!  
Raziel (sobbing): This can't be happening!  
Umah: Hey, you're married you two so don't start arguing or swearin  
Me (bugged): What? Where did that s came from?  
Umah: give me a reason why ya dnt want em to leave?  
Me (stammering): Em… um…eh… em… um…  
Raziel (eyeing me): What is it? Go on  
Umah: Well she luvs ya right, she told me once in truth or dare game  
Me: (runs out of the room red faced)  
Raziel: (runs out after me with his wraith blade)  
Umah: Man I am alone on my own. Damn it!  
Me (voice from a long way): I'll have my revenge ya gitt s b!


	2. Return of the chaos!

Again don't own LOK so don't bother me – Do enjoy fellas!  
Some words from the author.  
Me (cheering): Hiya guys, yo I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! With more random act of silliness and all – so I dare ya to read this  
Raziel (peeping in to look somewhat hotly groaning): _Oh no, heaven help us!  
_Me: (Glares at him) Silenced moment  
Raziel (defeated): Alright! Changes mood YEEPIIII!  
Dante (out of nowhere from DMC3): OH YEAH LETS ROCK BABY!  
Me (smiling): Thank you Sweet Hu- hey wait a minute- ya aren't part of this, asshole!  
Dante (grinning continuously at me): Babe, ya know I'm here to ask ya a date  
Raziel (under his breath): one of these days, Dante, I'm so gone beat the shi-  
Dante(dementedly): eh? Mrs. Razielim authoress – Raz is complainin! (Runs out)  
Me: (coughs disruptly for attention glaring at Raz): Yes as you were sayin?  
Raziel(acting innocent – cooled down): Oh nothing – can't wait to get workin!  
Me: Thanks, now lets get back to business. Mild language so BEWARE & pls R&R  
Raziel (sneakily): Yeah right, R&R my blue-ass!  
Me: Pardon?  
Raziel (innocent again): Oh nothing (gets hugged by me – yeah me luv him, yey!)

-------------------------------------------

Part 2

Kain was tired; he went to bed after doing so many works during the day. He wore his favourite night suit and went to sleep calmly on his bed. As he laid down covering the blanket over him he started to snore in his sleep with his mouth widely open and fell asleep. His beautiful sleep was disrupted when _someone_ came along and started bouncing up and down on the bed cheerfully. As he awoke with a concerned and more likely fearful look on his face he was surprised to see Kylie bouncing on his bed.

Kain (terrified): What in the name of Nosgoth!

She stopped bouncing then with a long jump on the bed she knelt down in front of him resting her legs on the bed calmly with a big stupid smile on her face.

Kain (angry also demanding): What do you want now!

Kylie (smiling ever stupidly): I wanna play hide & seek

Kain (sighing uncomfortably): OH! You are so irritating!

Kylie: I won't go until and unless you don't play hide & seek with me!

Janos, unsurprisingly, dashes in through the wall of Kain's master bedroom like a bulldozer and stops immediately as he notices the horror sitting on the bed smiling stupidly at him blinking quickly. With terror he stands where he is and stares shockingly at the horror, terrified.

Janos (horrified): Kain! You should've warned me!

Kain (looking at him): Like as if you sent me some signal about your arrival!

Janos (almost angry): That is a pointless excuse!

Kain: Everything is pointless to you!

Suddenly comes in another dash - Soul reaver Raziel. He dashes through the other side through the wall just like Janos and stops near the bed shocked at the surprise, behind him arrives the Sarafan Raziel, but he isn't as shocked as Sr. (soul reaver) Raze, he is quite delighted to see the other human.

Sr. Raze (terrified): What the hell!

Sarafan Raze (from behind him pokes his future condemned self): On guard!

Sr. Raze (painfully): Ouch! Watch it will ya!

Sarafan Raze (lowering his sword): Oh shut up moaning baby! Childish you are!

Sr. Raze: Shut up!

Kain (sighing to himself): Oh great! Yes why don't you! Get everybody in!

Then Mortanius materializes beside the bed unexpectedly murmuring Hash-ah-ghik' he was too horrified!

Mortanius (terrified): Omnivorous Douglas!

Janos (offensively): Grammar wrong!

Mortanius: Shut up you uneducated freak!

Kain (almost fed-up): Will you guys just shut up!

Suddenly Lilly comes in terrifying all but Sarafan Raze shockingly. In her hands she holds the soul reaver sword of Kain's at which everybody looks shockingly unexpectedly surprised.

Kain (angrier than recent): Why you!

Lilly (stupidly): Wow! What a sword!

Kain (pointing at her): Chase her down and get that sword away from her!

Lilly (running off): Weee! Let's play chase down!

Everybody runs after her including Kain still wearing his sleeping suit. Throughout the entire stronghold there's screaming and shouting, breaking and wrecking and lots of noises coming out disturbing everyone! During the chase Lilly throws the sword over to Kylie but Sr. Raze catches it before her. But he doesn't stops running.

Sr. Raze (victoriously laughing looking at Kain running after him behind): I've got it! I've got it! I've got it! At last! Look! Ha ha ha! I've –

Unfortunately he didn't realize that he was running towards a pillar that he didn't see coming and gets knocked. The sword falls into the Sarafan Raze's hand who now looks even more victoriously crucially happy.

Sarafan Raze (holding up the Soul reaver Sword): Victory is mine!

Janos (glides pass and snatches the sword right out of his hand smiling): Oh no it isn't!

Hey! Kain I've got it! I've got –

Janos gets knocked by rock that Mortanius was holding up with his kinetic magical power. The swords falls into his hands but then Lilly runs along and snatches it out of his hand running away like road runner.

Mortanius (angry): Hey!

Lilly: This is fun!

Kain (comes in the way): Funs over you wretched girl!

Lilly stops in front of him and looks at him stupidly.

Lilly (stupidly smiling): OH is it?

Kain: YES! YOU FOOL! NOW HAND ME THE –

And don't ask me, he gets poked smashingly at his (if you know what I mean).

Kain (painfully shocked): Ouch!

Lilly (laughing in music): WEEEE!

Sr. Raze (interrupts afterwards with a surprise move): Huh! Gotcha!

Lilly (bouncing likes a firework): You wanna play smootcha!

Sr. Raze (correction-ally): I meant Gotcha as in I got-

Doesn't get a chance cause she throws the swords backwards at Kylie who catches it on time, and then she starts kissing the Raze all over.

Sarafan Raze (standing near them): EW! Now why would someone ever want to kiss some blue coak-roach! Yeaaakeee!

Lilly (stops and then looks up): How dare you!

She launches herself at Sarafan Raze hitting and smashing him like hell! Everyone but except Sr. Raze, Sarafan Raze, and Kain started running after Kylie. Obviously because Kain got poked against his you know what, Sarafan Raze was getting beaten up by Lilly and Sr. Raze was unconscious on the floor still moaning.

----------------------------------------

Me(breathing hard): So guys, what ya think?  
Raziel: Crap!  
Me(angry): What!  
Dante (coming along): He said crap, haven't ya got ears honey?  
Me (even angrier): Excuse-me?

Silence, both in shock freeze of my deadly fiercely look

Me (huffing out breath): never mind, anyway more up next time – MAYBE?  
Raziel (looking away): Why am I to be cursed like this!  
Dante (tittering): Caus ya gotta hot chicki there ya lucky sexless fella!  
Silence  
Me: Hey, you're going too far there ya son of a b!  
Raziel (trying to cool): calm down Ms Authoress  
Dante (ignorantly): I am tellin ya, she's one sexy hott-  
Raziel (bustedly angry): That's it! I had enough of you commenting on my-  
Runs after him wildly  
Me (turning back): So guys do pls R&R and maybe… well catch ya later!  
(Runs off after Raz)Hey wait for me, what was it ya gonna call me of yours!


	3. Special treaty idiotcity

Disclaimer: I do not own Legacy of Kain but Crystal Dynamics really does. Special treat! Here this time!

Raziel: (groaning down to knees) Not again!  
Me: (staring at him): no need for that (turns to audience) so guys here's another one for that lone reveiwer kind enough to review while the other readers didn't  
Raziel: What lone reveiwer?  
Me: Um... someone with the second word 'samurai' in their ID  
Kain: (stupidly comes in wearing lingerie): Ooooooooooooh  
Me: (slaps own forhed) GET. OUT.  
exit>>>

--------------------

Jane the vampire hunter

I wasn't quite so pleased by the way everyone was acting. I mean there was the soul reaping Raziel & his humane friend Lilly, conquering Kain & _his_ humane friend Kylie, dumbest Moebius, Janos, and Aerial and including the sarafan Raziel everybody in the sarafan stronghold in the time chamber messing around with a bunch of Christmas presents left by some freak called Santa claus.

Raziel (eye widened surprised - opening his present): Wow! Brand new scurf for my mouth piece!

Lilly (cheering): Oh my god a beautiful necklace!

Sarafan Raziel: Why thank you! That's the gift I was going to give you but it seemed stolen last night from my room, wonder who took it?

Ariel (wondering around wit hers): oh my god! A beautiful white one! I think I am gonna wear it for the defiance one!

Kylie: Jiggy Jigsaw! I got a jigsaw puzzle!

Janos (looking at it): Hmmh… you know that device-like object ad you call it a jigsaw puzzle' I consider it as a magnificently brightly intelligent man's object

Kylie (glaring at him): Shut ya big gob you goblin!

Janos (flinching): Why a goblin? Almost all the women say I am the most farest of all

Raziel (eyeing him): why Janos it seems you turn out to be some g after all

Kain (jumping like a jumping bean with laughter almost sounding like a female): This is the greatest gift I ever got! Sets of leather underwear!

Everyone paused. Staring at the odd one out hugging his own gift. This was going to be a long pause. A very long one indeed. I observing such stupidity balanced myself against the wall slitting my sword back in its place behind my back.

Everyone but that odd one and me (laughing crawling on the ground): Muahhaaahahahahahaha!

Kain (twitch eyed): What's so funny?

I (ever so satisfied by such a foolish buffoon like him): You!

Kain (glaring at me): what's so funny about me?

I: cause you're hugging a bunch of underwear

After the long laugh everybody but me had a blowing party around other than what they were suppose to do was go along with their jobs.

---6 hours later.---

Still thrash out party going on with me sitting at a corner falling asleep.

---4 more hours later---

That's it! This has to end now! Standing up shot on my feet I stormed in to them. And when I shouted with my throat now screeching out everybody fell to silence.

I (angrier as ever up to full heat): What are you lots? A bunch of foolish buffoons or what? What do you think you all are doing? The right thing? By being stupid? Don't you remember your jobs? You are supposed to fight? Fight! FIGHT!

A long pause.

Grave silence.

For a reason I thought this was useless so why not just cu the crap out.

I (sighing to myself): Nah! What the heck! Get on with what you were all doing.

So everybody did as suggested. The whole stronghold broke down to total wreckage. What could I do?

---- 10 hours later -------

Everybody fell asleep coming back to the time chamber. Me sitting in a corner between Lilly and Kylie. How worse could've it got?


	4. Christmas play creates havoc

Me: Sorry guys for not responding for nearly a year!

Kain + Raziel: (clinging onto each other like hell) Help???!!!!

Me: what the fu-

Vergil: Dear god!

Elder god: Yes?

Vergil: F--- off octopus! Else I'll turn ya into sushi! (pulls up sleeve)

Kain: He CKs & HKs!!!! Anyone want sushi??

Cannibal kids: (with napkins on + knives & forks in hands + hanging out tongue) Sushisushisushisuhisushisushisushi!!!!! (Endless chirping of sushi words)

Homicidal kids: (sharpening knives and choppers) Hey-ho we're gonna make su-su-suhi! Hey-ho we're gonna make su-su-sushi! (sings)

Elder god: OO (whines) but I haven't even got a life insurance or pensions income!!!!!

Me: (raised eye brows) giant squids have pensions? Insurance? WTF?

Raziel: Hey I've got an insurance for $3million thanks to Steven Spillberg

Steven Sp: (hitting his head at backstage) Why (hit) why (hit) why!!! (hit) did I (hit) ever (hit) even (hit) bother (hit) including Raziel (hit, hit) in the (hit) game (hit) Whhy!!! (hit)

Raziel: chill…

Everyone: (looks at him with big-big-happy eyes) KILLL!!!!!! (marches after him to kill) Money money money money money money!

Vergil: Oh gosh!

Me: (rolls eyes) back to fanfic!

------------------

The entire LOK cast had been waiting in the backstage, for their roles to be decided upon. If things couldn't get any worse, they were given a play to perform. A so called 'Christmas play'.

Aerial: (bouncing happily) what role did I get? What role did I get it? Eh? Eh? Eh? Tell me tell me tell me – aw please!!!

Kain: will you be quiet just for a second! You've asked the same question about a million times! The chick hasn't come out yet!

Aerial: chick?

Raziel: he means Ikyra

Aerial: (runs out crying) waaaaahhh!!!!! He doesn't like me!!! Waaah!!! Just cause I didn't go get a facial lift!!!! Waaaah!!!!!

Kain: did you just have to make her THAT dramatic??

Raziel: (shrugs) c'mon its fun!

Kain: (rolls eyes)

**Back in the drama room**

Raziel: Say what???

Rahab: Your role is Baby jesus

Raziel: I am what????

Turel: Baby Jesus

Raziel: I AM WHAT????

Turel: ARRRRGGGHHH! YOU'RE GONNA BE BABY JESUS!! STUPID!!

Dumah: What am I gonna be?

Turel + Rahab: --

Zephon: I have to be one of the angels with Melchiah!

Melchiah: (doing the happy happy dance) you're Gabby

Zephon: Jesus cristo!

Rahab: I have to be one of the shepherds with Turel and Dumah!!!

Raziel: if neither of you idiots are gonna be Marry and Jospeh, then who else will?

Turel: According to Vorador, Kain will be Joseph and Faustus will be Mary

Raziel: (wide eyed)

Dumah: I pity ya Raz buddy!

Raziel: Shut up! (smacks him with a baseball bat)

**Back on backstage**

Kain: Why the friggin hell do I have to be Faustus's husband???!!!!!

Ikyra: Awww c'mon its not that bad

Kain: YUCK! I cant even imagine it!

Aerial: (still crying)

Faustus: You and I shall as always be one Kain

Kain: Get the hell offa me Gayfreako!

Ikyra: (too busy reading script) Kain let him be

Kain: (trying to ward him off) He's trying to kiss me????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faustus: MMMMuuuuuhhhhhwwwaaaaa

Cannibal kids: (singing 'we wish you a merry Christmas' with Elder god's cooked tentacles) We wish you a merry Christmas, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Faustus + Ikyra: Awwwww

Kain: prats

Cannibal kids: Jingle bell, Bad Kain smells  
He rides like a gay on a horsie  
Oh what fun it is to see him  
Act like a donkey dork hey!

Jingle bell, Bad Kain smells  
He goes around kissing donkeys  
Oh what fun it's to kick him around  
On the butt like a no good jackass hey!!! (Kicks him in the butt + runs off)

Kain: why I oughtta-

Ikyra: Kain, snap it off and get to stage

Kain: later-

Ikyra: (deathglares) NOW!

- Seven hours of rehearsal later wards, comes the grand night. Kain and Faustus dress up like Joseph and Mary. Zephon and Melchiah dress up like angels as Rahab, Turel and Dumah dress up like idiotic-gayish gay boys. Ooops I mean shepherds. Raziel on the other hand has been tied to a life-size cot and looks sooo cute. Aerial on the other hands, since she had no role and was annoying the hell out of Ikyra, she's been given the role of a moon. To make it worse and almost impossible for this play to go the Sarafan lord was brought in to play one of the angelic stars. Though he had to glide across on the hanging rope around him due to Kain's tantrum-

Ikyra: Once upon a time in Nosgo – hey wait a minute what the- Moebius!

Moebius: in Bethlehem??!!! WTH??!!!!! THIS AINT THE SR2 SCRIPT!

Ikyra: Of course not you ran off with mine

Moebius: I did not!

Ikyra: Did too

Moebius: did not!

Ikyra: Did too!

**- After interval period of 20mins- **

Ikyra: Did too!

Moebius: Did not!

Kain: BOTH OF YOU CUT IT OUT NOW!

**Drama goes to hell in action **

Faustus: Awwwh – cuchie cuchi cooo! Cuchie cuchie coo lil baby! Aww he looks soo cute! (Pulls Raziel's cheek like a granny or nanny)

Raziel: Dad! Faustus's being a Peter file again!

Kain: Faustus there are children in the audience you can go and act like PF to them!

Cannibal kids: (starts protecting other kids)

Kain: Ok maybe not!

Raziel: (rattles his dummy)

Kain: You're not a real baby

Raziel: (Starts crying) MAMMA!

Aeriel: KAIN!

Kain: What??!!! (looks for Faustus) Hey Faust! It's our turn to enter!

Ikyra: right… (coughs) Once upon a time, there lived a man and a woman

Rahab: Correction Cross dresser!

Faustus: (Ladyish cry)

Ikyra: One called Joseph and Mary

Raziel: (from cot + starts mimicking) Mary had a little lamb-

Rahab: (hits him on the head with a hammer) cut it out!

Dumah: (has his head stuck in a barrel) AAAAHHHH!!! (Stumbles across the stage)

Everyone: (turns to Turel)

Turel: He asked for it!

Rahab: Oh brother! how worse can this get!

Melchiah: (skates past) WWWWHHHHEEEEEEEE! I'M AN ANGEEEEEEEE—( falls off stage and crashes into instruments)

Sarafan Lord: (is lifted down, hanging on rope in a glowing star suit)

Kain: (notices) Hey! Piñata!!! (gets baseball starts smacking him around)

Cannibal kids: Piñata?! (Joins in)

* * *

**To be continued next time…. More next time**


End file.
